I haven’t blogged is a very long time, writing is often a way to escape, a way to vent or a way to open up. Finding the balance between being about to open up authentically and “opening up” while covered in armour has been hard to figure out how to accomplish… so i’m going to figure it out as I go.

I haven’t blogged since late 2014, this is likely do to the fact that I had a stressful job that I became lost in, I met a wonderful man, put on a festival, fell in love, got engaged and got married… and then quit said stressful job, all  in the span of 10 months. So not writing a blog post is now making sense to me.

But why tonight? Can’t sleep… yeah but it is only 10:46. Lots on my mind… sure, but when haven’t I?

I think it is because I keep trying to figure it all out, all the stress, all the gratitude, all the fear, all of it. The spinning in my brain and the chatting with friends and family has left me with this, I have a great life, i’m blessed in so many way, and I have a lot of shit to figure out.

I’m a decisive person; at least thats what I like to tell myself. Being decisive was just instinctive for me at work: “fast, busy, must solve problem, must find solution” this inner monologue has turned what I believed to be a normal person into an overwhelmed, control seeking nut job. And this nut job has a ton of figuring to do and all I want to know is “Am I there yet.”

Can’t we change and fix it all, now?

I’m all for self discovery, growth and digging deep, that is, till I get into it and I just want it all to be fixed and sorted out. Being decisive makes for tough growth, cause I’ve decided that things need to change. Its time to grow and evolve. Period. But wait, what are the things. What is it that is making me feel overwhelmed or tense or confused, for really whats the deal, why can’t I admit that i’m not perfect and then everything gets fixed.

Am I there yet?